To Avoid Disappointment... Aim Low

Mein Lieblingstext zum Valentinstag:

"I love being single on Valentine's Day. It's way worse when you're in a relationship."
"How so?" Davis asked.
"The Valentine's underwear, the Valentine's champagne, the Valentine's gifts, the Valentine's guilt..."

"That bullshit Harlequin romance emphasis on everything being perfect," Sam(Samantha) agreed. If you got a champagne headache by ten, sent back the lobster thermidor because you felt nauseous and discovered that your period was starting while you were back home getting kitted out in head to toe Victoria's Secret in the bathroom, you felt like a failure as a woman.

"I know," Janet said. "If you have a bad date on any night of the year that isn't February 14th you go home, make hot chocolate and marshmallows and laugh at what a prick the guy was. If it happens on Valentine's Day it's like you may never have a love life again. Double disaster."
The men were listening attentively. "It's just like Sex And The City, isn't it?" Colonel O'Neill said, happily. Everyone stared at him. He stopped talking.

"It's like..." Janet continued. "It's like when you're in a relationship you get bombarded with two weeks or more of crap that highlight the shortcomings of your own. You think, why do we never make love to classical music while drinking champagne, why do we never feed each other Haagen Daas in front of a roaring fire? Truth is, you wouldn't want to do any of that corny garbage anyway, but you're made to feel a failure when you don't."

"It's that childish idea that no matter how settled you are, on February 14th the magic love fairy is going to wave her twinkly little pink wand and you'll fall passionately in love again..."
"Yeah, and not only that, you'll magically turn into Sandra Frigging Bullock..."
Daniel coughed. "And I'm bitter? I feel like a Charlotte amongst two Mirandas."
"Hey, I call dibs on Charlotte," Davis said, prodding him with a pen.
"True romantic, Davis?" Sam asked.
"Absolutely!"

"Aww..." Janet sighed. "So what do you want for Valentine's Day?"
"Is that an offer?"
"No. Purely hypothetical. I'm using you as a test case."
"You're using me?"
"Lot of guys like that," Colonel O'Neill said, sagely.
"That's your perfect Valentine, sir?" Sam asked, incredulously. "Being used for cheap, sleazy sex?"
"I didn't say I was into it," Colonel O'Neill said, although the glint in his eye suggested that he was. "Just some guys are..."
"Yes, but what do you want?" Janet asked, desperately. "Because that was what drove me crazy when I was married. What the hell do you people want...you...you...men?"
"I vote for cheap and sleazy sex," Davis said, raising his hand. Tentatively, Colonel O'Neill followed suit.
Janet glared at them. "Daniel?"
"Um...yes. To...er...cheap and sleazy sex. Any sex actually. I mean, ha ha...y'know...forgetting how to do it. May as well not have a..."
"Okay! TMI!" Colonel O'Neill's interruption was greatly appreciated by all. Davis became inordinately fascinated by his ballpoint pen.

Janet sat scowling, arms folded. "Actually I was talking in terms of what you wanted as Valentine gifts..."
"Oh."
Sam grinned. "Dug yourselves into that one, guys."
"Did we ever."
"Chocolates are nice," Daniel said.
"They're not very...guy," Colonel O'Neill frowned.
"Men need chocolate too," Daniel retorted, defiantly.
"That's the thing," Janet said. "You guys have it easy. You buy a girl flowers, candy, lingerie. It's easy for you. We don't have a clue what you want."
"I like flowers," Davis said.
"I like lingerie," said Colonel O'Neill, hastily adding; "On women...obviously."
"Too late with the disclaimer there, Jack," Daniel moaned. "I'm already in the bad mental image place."
"I have very good legs, actually..."
"Please...Jack. Don't..."
"There is a dearth of good Valentine's gifts for men," Sam agreed.
"There so is. Like how many guys actually want a hat that holds two beer cans or a leopard print weenie wrapper?"
"Dear God..." Daniel whimpered, clearly struggling with the addition of these unconventional items to the vision of highly dubious loveliness in his head.

"Valentine's gifts for women are just as tacky," Davis said. "One year my sister could barely get into her bedroom for all the stuffed satin hearts and sad eyed stuffed puppies and teddy bears."
"Ah, but did she date any of the guys who sent them?" Colonel O'Neill asked.
"No sir. She wound up dating the attorney who handled the various restraining orders."
"Oh...um...cute."
Davis shook his head. "It all ended in tears. She married the asshole."
"Yet another reason why it sucks," Janet said. "Anonymous declarations of love tend to be called 'stalking' these days."
"And still nobody gets anything they want or need." Sam sighed. "What can you actually do with a red satin heart?"
"Nothing," Janet sniffed. "This is exactly my point. One year I bought Louis this power sander he'd been talking about forever because he wanted it. He gets it and he's like 'Oh, it's not very romantic.'"
"Personally," Colonel O'Neill said. "I would love something like that. A new lawnmower. It could be the Lawnmower of Love."
"Yes sir...you could cut the grass in your leopard print..."
"Okay. This is where I leave..." Daniel stood up.
"Daniel! Wait! I haven't told you about the garter belt and accessories..."
"Augh!" Daniel fled.

Janet checked her pager. "Oops...that'll be me. Someone's probably stuck in their zipper again."
"BDU pants have button flies," said Colonel O'Neill, frowning.
"I know," She smoothed down her lab coat. "I have no idea how they keep doing it. Maybe they just like me touching them down there. Later!"
"Bye!"
"Best go see if Teal'c's in the land of the living/not meditating, I guess," Colonel O'Neill said. "Then I guess I'll go find Daniel and describe my underwear to him until he makes me coffee."
"Bye sir."


by Anais